Is It Wrong to Deny My Boyfriend on Our Anniversary?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. It was our anniversary last week and when we got home from dinner, I didn’t feel in the mood. Is it wrong to deny my him on our anniversary?

- Courtney (Philadelphia, PA)

Courtney,

I don’t think sexual partners should feel obligated to perform for one another, especially if he or she is not in the mood. Sex should be lighthearted and spontaneous. If you’re not doing it for the right reasons, there’s no sense it doing it at all. The trick is to try and have good sex regularly, in that case, one off-night shouldn’t be a big deal. Trust me, if your man is getting his share of good lovin’ on a regular basis, he won’t mind.

Tip: Try and make one night a week feel like your anniversary and then the pressure will be off when the actual date rolls around.

Sincerely,
He

Dear Courtney,

This is a good question. Because I don’t know the exact details of your sex life, meaning, how often you guys actually “do it,” I’ll explore it from both sides.

First off, you said you’ve been together for two years. A lot of studies out there have shown that the majority of couple’s sex lives decreases over time. If and when that “should” start happening or why is arguable, but regardless, the overall relationship can tend to lose steam once the sex life has.

As an unmarried person in a long-term committed relationship, hearing my married girlfriends talk about their dwindling sex lives, causes me some concern. I struggle to understand how they can remain in a sexless relationship, and if it is truly normal to lose your desire for your partner over time. I recently had a friend admit, (mind you this was after a few drinks and it was with VERY close girlfriends) that during her marriage she actually would charge her husband a cash price for certain sexual acts. Some of the less mutually enjoyable things were high ticket, if you catch my drift.

Of course we laughed our heads off at this admission and now that the marriage is over I imagine it makes a little more sense as to why she did it, or perhaps why it’s over. It’s the chicken or the egg theory. Did the marriage end because of their sex life or was their sex life affected by an unhappy marriage? Or maybe it was this economy. He simply couldn’t afford the sex anymore. Ha!

It got me thinking.

For me it comes down to honesty. Did you not want to have sex because you truly had too much champagne and you felt a little ill, or were you not turned on? And if you weren’t turned on, can you talk about it with your partner and sort it out, or is it time to move on?

Was it candlelight and romance or was he standing in the living room with his jeans around his ankles?

It was your anniversary, so maybe you could have given in, but if you really didn’t feel well then make it up to him tonight. Make it worth the wait. Now if tonight you still don’t want to do it, then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.

Good luck,
She